Is it possible that being a chronic single woman can cause one to see themselves as the victim, rendering all of life's supposedly joyous events completely painful? Have a look at this photo:
What does it bring to mind? That may be a controversial question so let me ask the question this way: what typical events occur here? Well, Mass, Sunday service, Sunday school, bible study, for example, but also two major passages of life: weddings and funerals. Most traditionalist in the Western world will conduct these two ceremonies in a church rather similar to this. For those of us in attendance, these ceremonies can have striking similarities...depending on our perspective.
Take this personal example:
Like all people, I have two biological grandmothers. In my case, I happened to be somewhat close to both of them, and both of them have passed away. The first of my grandmothers passed away several years ago. For whatever combination of reasons, her funeral was marked with crying, weeping, sadness, silence, and was followed by several weeks of unsettled grief on the part of my family. It was a painful time that, even now, causes me disappointment and regret that she was gone so soon.
Then there was my second grandmother's funeral. While there were a great deal of tears, there was also a strange sense of joy. There was singing, clapping, praising and recounting her greatness, and peace that she was now Home. To this day, any sadness about her passing is countered with the understanding of how grace and blessing abounded in her life and death.
What's the point? That while some situations are just plain difficult to experience, those same situations are hinged upon our perspective and attitude.
So let's look at the wedding side of this comparison:
As a chronic single woman, I have had my share of going to weddings alone. Even for weddings that were of family members, no matter how much I was surrounded by siblings, cousins, family friends of my age, I have always been dateless. Two, three, four weddings are year, and I am always flying solo. How could this not start to have an impact on my attitude?
Last year, I went to a friend's wedding and had such a negative, defeatist, woe-is-me, attitude that I could barely appreciate the day. Here it was, another friend who had known the pains of being a long-term single woman, who had found a good man to share her life with, and I was focused on me. I got to the ceremony late because I was distracted by feeling ticked-off to be driving for an hour alone to get there. I sulked alone during the cocktail hour. I focused on my empty hungry stomach while waiting for the meal, which made me bitter throughout the photo slide show. When the food arrived, I complained that it was bland. When the meal was over, I never danced because there was no one to dance so I left rather early into the evening.
How sad. Not the fact that I was there alone, but the idea that I was so self-focused that I didn't allow myself to be grateful that God had blessed my friend or that she had worked so hard to put all of that together to share with her friends and family, including me. No matter how much the embarrassment of always being alone may feel, I still feel worse that I behaved like that. When did the difficulty of being a chronic single give me a free pass not to be happy for others?
You'll see from other posts that I struggle with this a lot. But I am starting to realize that I am not a complete failure in this area.
Here's another story:
I recently went to another wedding of a friend who is just two years shy of my all time record as chronic single. I love this friend dearly to the point where no possibility of feeling sorry for myself could cloud my joy to see her get married. Still, the day of her wedding, I started to head down my normal path of self-centerdness. I tried to fill the day with as many social outings as possible to make me feel like I wasn't a loser. By the time I got home I was exhausted and would have been glad to pass on attending this event.
Once I dragged myself up, got dressed, and went to the ceremony/reception hall, I was standing there alone, embarrassed, and annoyed as gnats surround me during the ceremony and I stood by myself during the cocktail hour. I must have looked really depressed because a couple approached me. As I was about to give the "yes, I came by myself" speech, the couple diverted me with a few other questions, which turned into a conversation, which turned into a introduction to other couples, and eventually meeting the fun group of girls and guys that I ended up sitting with at the reception. I ate, I danced, I smiled and clapped for my friend, I hugged, I praised, I went through the receiving line with a smile on my face, I congratulated, and I took the focus off of me to where it should be.
Near the end of the night, I saw a girl my age sitting at a table alone while everyone else was dancing. Because I was so touched that that first couple had approached me while I was alone, I thought I would pay it forward. I approached the girl, who happened to be a mutual friend of my friend who I had actually met before.
We chatted a bit and then I ventured to ask, "did you come here by yourself?" She confirmed and then I said, "well as a chronic single girl, I now how that goes." Her eyes lit up as though I had reached into her heart a pressed the "I can completely relate to you" button. We chatted a bit more about the troubles of being single when a great group dance song started to play. I started heading to the floor thinking she would join but she refused, "I'll just sit here by myself."
That's when I realized, that is just what I am like when I harp on my singleness. Who sticks out like a sore thumb, the girl having fun and joining the crowd or the girl sitting alone sulking?
What a lesson for my everyday life. No matter how inconceivably painful our circumstances may be, when in life are negative behavior and thoughts constructive? Though there is pain in life, weeping, sulking, harping on the past or present are not constructive and just make the situation worse.
So yes, for the chronic single woman, a wedding is just like a funeral, the opportunity to be aware of loss or disappointment and grieve occordingly but, more importantly, to focus on grace and blessing. It's not about me its about HIM.
Image retrieved through Creative Commons, Inc. on June 26, 2011 from http://www.flickr.com/photos/dasqfamily/239701845/sizes/o/in/photostream/
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