Why can't we seem to avoid the temptation to "keep in touch" with the guy who currently holds our interest?
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| This is you on the days your crush texts you. |
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| This is you on the other days. |
An Example from My Life:
So I meet this guy. He's funny and seems to be pretty nice but from the day that I meet him, my instincts keep screaming that this guy has to be too good to be true. Despite his involvement with church groups and helping the homeless, it is never clear that his relationship with God is very solid. Nonetheless, I "go out" with this guy; hanging out at coffee shops and even having him over to my home for a gathering with friends.
All the while we exchange texts multiple times daily. The day starts with my initial text, he responds, I respond, he responds, I respond, he responds....you get the picture. Then I would tell myself, "I shouldn't initiate this, if he likes me, he'll text ME." So the waiting game begins, I check my phone, no text, again, no text. Then a text from him! I respond, he responds, I respond, he responds...rinse and repeat.
Cut to four weeks later. The fallout. He turns out to be a... not good person let's say. More than any of my foreseen regrets, I feel like a complete fool for having wasted so much time and energy spending my emotional well-being and energy on texting this guy.
An Example from Another Single Girl's Life:
So this girl I know meets this guy, at a church event, and they hit it off. He directly, but appropriately flirts with her, and has shown serious interest. His is a fun and interesting guy, and is actually a solid Christian. The problem is that it is not clear whether he interested in her as a friend or as a girlfriend.
They start "getting together" to go to restaurants and coffee shops and even exchange phone calls. All the while is the undertone of daily texting: she texts, he responds, she texts, he responds, she texts, he responds. Then soon, HE texts, she responds...now she is convinced that this is a sign that they are meant for each other.
Then one day, he brings up the "I just wanted you to know that I am seeing somebody" conversation. My friend is devastated and, most of all, upset with allowing herself to get so attached to this guy through texting.
When did we start judging the stability of our dating relationships based on the number of texts that we send and receive? If you are a girl who has ever said "he texts me at least two or three times a day" during a discussion with your female friends about that new guy in your life, than you are guilty. It's not like there is anything wrong with texting or Facebook or any other form of communication. It's just that we emotionally driven females have created yet another venue for emotional trauma. Maybe trauma is a little bit overdramatic as a term but that is surely how we feel after a texting relationship comes to an end: traumatized.
I truly believe that we as women tend to find every way to perceive that there is more to a relationship than is actually there, and texting only makes that worse. We compose a message, press send, and once that message goes out into the air we begin to obsess over it. "Did I say that right?" "Why didn't he respond right away this time?" "What if he doesn't respond?" "Should I go to bed or wait until he texts just in case he asks me to go out?" "Maybe he texted me but my phone isn't receiving the messages." "Maybe he lost his phone." And so on.
Texting also opens us up to share a part of ourselves that we might not have been willing to share otherwise. We tend to be a little more flirtatious and use and accept from him a little more innuendo in texts than we would otherwise accept. This is especially difficult for us virgins (yes there are still some of us out there) who can often find ourselves intrigued by the borderline passionate messages that we receive, or read-into what we have received, from a guy that holds our interest. A "hi cutie" message from our latest crush can hold a lot a weight to a single woman in those vulnerable nighttime hours.
Sadly, texting with a crush, especially for chronic single girls (those who have never, or not in a long time, had a serious relationship) also gives the appearance of being what we as women would want from a real relationship. In a way, texting provides the excitement of communication with someone of the opposite sex. It makes us feel sort of special and important, like a girlfriend might feel. It replicates a sense of companionship and connection, yet none of this is really real when thumbed through a key pad of a cell phone.
It's a very similar effect when we use Facebook to "keep in touch" with our crush. The desire and perceived need to "Like" "Poke" "Comment" "Send Message" etc. is no different than texting our crush. The perceived need to meet in certain website's chat tool and "chat" for hours is no different either. All of this gives us a false sense of interrconnection with a person that we, if we be honest with ourselves, really don't know that well.
Furthermore, because of the way they communicate, many guys are willing to have texting relationships because it meets some of their own needs and masculine traits. I am not saying all men are players but there is a certain trait about them that makes many of them enjoy the ability to communicate with multiple women at once, even if it is just as friends. Texting makes that easier for them and it doesn't hold as much meaning for them as it does for us. As a friend recently said to me, we as women perceive communication as connectedness. One long conversation with a man can have a deep meaning to us. Whereas for them, it could be completely forgettable.
Listen, I am not bashing texting, Facebook, chat, or the girls who use them. Sure there are always the "dreams really do come true" stories of girls whose variety of communication formats have turned into full blown reality relationships but I can't help but believe those are the minority of cases. Lasting relationships with men are most successful when they are fostered in person, and a guy who wants to keep your in telecommunication is probably not overwhelmingly interested in you. Text all you want, but remember that it all means nothing unless he calls you his girlfriend. It's not official 'til it's official and 2,000 texts a day wouldn't be enough to prove otherwise.
Don't worry. I won't leave you there cold and alone and without your precious texting thumbs tapping away feverishly at your cell phone. Here are some tips for when you feel like you can't help yourself put down the phone or put away the computer:
1. Take a cold shower. Okay, not really, but at least put down your phone and find something to do. When I feel tempted to text my crush it always helps to find something to do to occupy my time that keeps me from obsessing over how he feels toward me. A favorite TV show, an evening walk, a few songs on the ipod, something, anything that keeps you away from the phone is a great way to allow you to place your thoughts elsewhere.
2. Phone a friend. If you have to keep the phone nearby and can't bear not to text your crush, place a phone call instead to a "safe" friend to whom you can LISTEN or talk to about anything but this guy. This is a great and selfless way to avoid obsessing.
3. Delete, Delete, Delete. If I find myself reading and re-reading old texts between me and my crush or showing them to my friends for their analysis, then it's time for the texts to go to the mobile trash bin. That way, there is no chance of obsessing because there's nothing there.
4. Don't give it all away. Whatever you do, do not text sexy, which is the Christian girl version of sexting. We would probably never text a pic of our naked booty and send it, still we might be tempted to send a picture of us looking "super cute" for his approval. We might be tempted to send a "you are such a hottie" text in the hopes that we might win him over with our flirtatious energy. That is dangerous ground that, in addition to the spiritual ramifications, will leave you feeling like an idiot when you realize that he wasn't that interested in you or shows up at church with his girlfriend. Which leads me to...
5. Remember that anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. Maybe that's taking it a little bit far but, in the very least, once you send a message it can endlessly be retrieved given today's technology. In a more realistic sense, there is always that possibility that he is the kind of guy that will keep your texts and read them to others after things don't work out. I have known quite a few immature guys like that. When sending a text, think about it first. If you would be hurt or embarrassed by someone else reading what you wrote in your text, don't send it.
6. Pray. In the words of the great MC Hammer "you need to pray just to make it through the day." This is especially true when you are hooked on texting your crush. The only true texting temptation buster is a "help me, Lord" prayer when your thumb is on the "send" button.
I hope that my perspective has offered you, in the least, a sounding board for your thoughts and opinions or has given you a chance to think through this issue that you may or may not be facing in your own lives. But most importantly...
...please hold the Truth in high regard, and live It as you search for love.
Images : Cartwheel retrieved through Creative Commons May 6, 2011 from http://www.flickr.com/photos/tanya_little/4871311082/
Crying Baby retrieved through Creative Commons
May 6, 2011 from http://www.flickr.com/photos/iskir/4433696753/
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