This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite films Sleepless in Seattle. This line has always been so funny to me because it gets to the core of what I struggle with in my singleness. There is this part of my that wants so bad to be in a relationship, but I can't help but want it my way. You would think of years of being left behind by friends getting married and having children and having to find new friends every year as my newlywed friends move into their next life stage would be enough for me to get serious about finding someone ASAP. Instead I find myself having some excuse why the guys around are good enough. It's like I am waiting for some movie-perfect situation to tell me that a certain guy is "right" for me to be with for the rest of my life.
Between me and my friends, I heard either heard or thought of a million explanations of the single guys around the church or among my Christian friends. Comments like..
"I am looking for a guy who is ______ and has ______ with a ______ and likes to ______."
"I want my husband to be someone I am attracted to."
"I love guys from ______ because of their accents!"
"I don't want to use an Internet dating service because I don't want to have to tell people I met my husband on the Internet."
"I love guys with ______ color hair and ______ eyes."
"I wish that I could just meet a guy who looks like ______ (fill in the blank with that guy you lust after), he is SO hot."
"He is such a cute guy but I wish that he could just have the personality of ___________ then he would be perfect."
OR
"He is such a sweet guy but I wish the he had the looks of __________."
All of these are completely unfair ways of seeing the guys around us. Let's all be honest with ourselves, nearly every Christian single woman has at some point had at least one guy in their life that could have been their husband today. The God-honoring guy who was extremely socially awkward and had no sense of personal space in conversation. The sweet, caring guy man of strong Faith who was grossly overweight and smelled funny. The respectful, gentleman who lived Christ's love daily who didn't make your heart skip a beat because he was very boring and had a comb over. These are all thoughts that, honestly, have kept us from marrying.
Now is the point where I hear everyone saying, "God doesn't say that we should just marry anyone. We have to wait for when it is right and if we are open to following God's will, he will provide the one." That is silly, in my opinion, because I think many Christian girl's just say this because we feel a little guilty for saying we believe that we deserve better than just the average guy. We think we deserve what we think we deserve.
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| Our biggest fear when entering a gathering for the local church singles ministry. |
I am not one who believes the "forget Mr. Right and get Mr. Right now" kind of person, but my point is that we need to own up to some of our own disappointment. If you really wanted to be married you could be, but you are not because you have made some decision not to accept what was around you. What would happen if you married Mr. Overweight, Mr. Boring, or Mr. Socially Awkward by changing your perspective? What if these men signified something different to you?
A dear friend of mine in the matter of a few months went from single to happily married to a man that everyone, including she, would have said was not highly attractive physically but exemplified a true Christian man. For my friend, instant marriage wasn't the goal, and having a perfect man wasn't the goal, instead, peace, companionship, longevity, compromise, support, and honoring God were the goals. Her wedding was beautiful and inspirational, one of the few that I will always remember. Today, she is in a great relationship and her "after the wedding" marriage is as good, or better, than any of the girls I know who married for superficial reasons. That's being in love.
Had she married for superficial reasons, her situation might have entailed an obsession over wedding plans and Facebook updates of pictures of her and her good looking mate, stories of her mate's high paying job, fantasies of decorating of her new home after the wedding, showing the engagement ring and sharing the engagement story over and over. Her wedding would have been rather commonplace and her "after the wedding" life would have been one of those full of complaints of unexpected compromises and difficulties with learning to live together. That's being in love in the movies.
Back to the title of this post "It's My Fault I'm Single." This is not condemnation but instead maybe some inspiration. Whether you are one who believes that God does all the work of providing you a mate or that you have to do some work by going out their to search for that mate, you can accept that you do have some responsibility in the situation. That's to say, you can rely on the fact that there is one certainty in your time as a single women: there will always be guys that you won't accept and many guys that won't accept you. You cannot and should not try to control the ones who won't accept you but you can make informed and prayer-driven decisions about the ones you accept as mates.
Like much of the Christian life, it is a question of balance. To find the balance in the whole thing, here are some girls I know that you can learn from:
*Don't be the girl who needs a man so bad that she'll accept any kind of man just to have one. If a potential mate does not live out a life that is God-honoring and in accordance with the scriptures (and is unrepentant), you shouldn't accept him.
*Don't be the girl who is too concerned with the superficial. Cute, hot, funny, outgoing, social, athletic, attractive, normal, acceptable, nerdy, awkward, and boring are all relative and fleeting.
*Don't be the girl who misses out on a good mate because he wasn't the story in her head. The perfect man who is waiting for you in an online dating service is not worth a life alone waiting for the same guy to find you in a way that makes for a more appealing story.
*Don't be the girl who is waiting for the one. The is no strong evidence that God is that serious about us finding a one certain person. You could be in a relationship with Donald Trump if he wanted you, it just would take a lot of work on both of your parts. That's to say, it's about timing, compromise, selflessness, desire, perseverance, and motivation among other virtues. It takes more of these virtues for some relationships that others so you ultimately have to make the decision of what you are willing to put into that relationship.
Open up your eyes a little to really see the men around you. Loosen up your hands a little to keep them open for the guys who want to grasp it. Free your mind a little to accept things as they are and not how you think they should be.
...Hold the Truth in high regard, and live It as you search for love.
Image retrieved on May 7, 2011 through Creative Commons, Inc. from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rharrison/2190135304/
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