Moments of Grief

Several years ago, I heard a great sermon on the subject of grief. At the time, I had thought that I had never really experienced grief because, praise God, I had never lost anyone really close to me. Yet, for some reason, I keep feeling like I could relate so deeply to the stages and feelings that come along with grief. It was that day that I learned that I actually had experienced grief, and I am still dealing with it today.

You see, grief, as my pastor explained, is not just about the deep pain that comes after the passing of a loved one, grief can also be experienced when we lose other things as well. The loss of a job, a home, a prized possession, or even the loss of hope can cause us grief. In this way, I have realized how much being a chronic single woman has caused me to experience the process of grief.

Although there seem to be varied views on the emotions associated with grief, many sources present grief as a process that contains, in some way or another, the following emotional states: anger, shock, denial, numbness, bargaining, shock, fear, panic, guilt, depression, and eventually acceptance, hope, and affirmation.

For me, my grief started when I finally had to come to terms with the reality that it is highly likely that a romantic relationship is not part of my future. Some would wonder how I could come to that conclusion so suddenly, but I truly believe that this is what God has wanted me to confront and accept. My life, my past, my circumstances, my age, my cultural background, my social environment, and the state of the Church, Christians, and today's society as a whole are all aspects of my life that are detrimental to the possibility of any long term romantic relationship.

So how do you live when you realize that all of the things that seem to be part of the life of every young woman are no longer are part of your life?

Here are some of the thoughts and emotions I have experienced in my grief
Sadness: "I am so sad that my parents will never get to experience seeing me marry and will not get to have the experience of being grandparents."

Shock: "How could it be that God has chosen this for my life?"

Embarrassment: "How will it be to go through life being known as the woman who never experienced being in a long-term relationship?"

Anger: "How could God let me go through such painful dating experiences?"

Unfair comparisons: "Why is it that I have experienced so much disappointment and this other person had it so easy finding someone?"

Hopelessness: "What is the purpose of my life? What am I called to do now?"

Fear: "How will I be able to take care of myself when I get older or if I get sick?" "What will happen to me when my parents die?"

Bargaining: "I am sure that if I change churches, move to another country, join a dating service, or have my friends set me up with someone that I can surely find someone to marry so I won't be alone."

Panic: "I have to get a better paying job or I will never be able to save enough money to support myself in the future."

Affirmation: "If God has chosen me to be single, then that is exactly where He wants me to be. He
will give me the strength to make it through."

Hope: "I have no idea the amazing things God has prepared for me future, even if they are not part of this life, but the next."

For this one, I have no advice. Instead, I wanted to give you a glimpse into my thought life maybe to support you in whatever emotions you face when you confront your singleness. That is not to say that every single woman is going to be alone or that you should be grieving the chance to be in a relationship. Maybe you just broke up with someone or maybe you have been alone for a while and therefore, I hope that my story can help you understand you are not alone in your emotions. Please know that at the end of all of this is the hope and promise of God's endless and matchless love.

"I've read the last page of the Bible.
It's all going to turn out all right." - Billy Graham

Sources on grief retrieved May 28, 2011 from:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

http://www.ekrfoundation.org/

http://newlife.com/

Photo credits

Retrieved May 2011 through Creative Commons, Inc. from 

Statue:http://www.flickr.com/photos/myklroventine/3450989567/

Girl on Beach: http://www.flickr.com/photos/21727800@N06/2184786921/  

Huge Welcome to Earth Moment - Cut Him Some Slack

A few days ago I contacted a good friend that I hadn't heard from in a while. Within the first couple of days I didn't hear back from her, so I tried to contact her again. All the while I did not take it personally, and just moved on with my daily routine. A couple of days later, she contacted via text to say hi and filled me in with a couple of big things that she has been up to lately. Since then we have still not gotten together but I am sure that she is hanging out and doing things with other friends.

My reaction to this...rather neutral. She is my friend and I accept that, even though we enjoy our time together and she is a great sister in Christ, she and I do not stay in touch everyday. This has no impact on my self esteem, nor do I sit up and wait to hear from her or stop my life because I have not heard from her in a while. Even more, I completely accept that she has other friends that they may fulfill her social needs or other needs in ways that I cannot.

Isn't it that way for you? You have go to the movies friends, go out to dinner friends, talk on the phone friends, come over to your house friends, pray together friends, and then what you would consider to be best friends. These are the people that you may not see all the time or they may not even live in the same place as you, but you count them as more precious than other friends. These are the people you would have in your wedding or invite if you won tickets for two to a concert, for example.

Now let's change the situation a little bit, what if I had contacted a guy and didn't hear back and then a few days later he contacted me to say that he was hanging out with other girls. Or let's up the game, I have been going on dates for months with this guy and I feel a real connection with him and we have been talking for a while. He doesn't always invite me to go out with him and doesn't contact me everyday but I still feel like we get along really well. How would I feel if he told me he was seeing other girls?

This thought process became a huge "welcome to earth" reality check for me: I can guarantee that I would not be able to let that slide off my back as easily as if it were a friend who did that to me. Somehow when it's "dating" and "a guy" it takes on a whole new meaning to me. Self-esteem and dreams of weddings and children, and the portending doom of a life alone goes flashing past my eyes and I am so hurt. The bottom line, if you permit me to quote one of my favorite philosophies "he's just not that into me."

Whether or not a guy has what we would consider to be valid reasons for not liking us as much as other girls, maybe he just has other girls in his life that fulfill needs that we do not. How many times have you or a friend said "he is a jerk" or "he is such a player" just because a guy does not make us his one and only?

Guys are physiologically and fundamentally different than women and their hierarchy of women is different than what we might expect or want to except. The go to the movies friend for us may be the really flirtatious girl for him. The go out to dinner friend for us might be the "I'll call her every once in a while" girl for him. The come over to your house friend for us might be the "I would make her my girlfriend" for him. Finally, the best friend for us might be the "I would marry her" for him.

It would not be fair for us to compare our friends to other friends at a superficial level, yet that is what we do so often. Some of my friends are funnier than others, some dress more similarly to me than others, some have similar backgrounds, some are more outgoing, some are on my same social level, and some laugh at my jokes. Sometimes my best or really close friends are not even people that I have known for a really long time.

Again, let's flip to the other side, a guy dates another girl because she dresses sexier, has a certain color hair, has a flirtatious personality, has a certain background, or laughs at his jokes, and we call him superficial. You are a good Christian, you are practical, you are fun, you are a conservative dresser, you are pure, that is what he should like, right? How completely unkind it would be for him to call the other girl and not you? Why would he want to date/marry a girl like that and not you?

These are questions that are not easily answered. Still, I have a bunch of friends who are probably better for me than others in certain ways and I wouldn't even think twice about not contacting them or not inviting them to my social outings. Then why wouldn't that happen with a guy? Just like us, they are only human and living at a time when being a man is very confusing. Whether or not they have chosen someone over you for the right reason, it happens all the time. Let's cut guys some slack and also free ourselves from unnecessary pain. Let's let go of trying to make sense of his actions and not allow those actions impact how we view ourselves.

You may also want to read to the "Temptation to Text" post that I had written a while back for more perspective on this.

Images retrieved May 18, 2011 through Creative Commons, Inc. from

Friends http://www.flickr.com/photos/passion_in_action/2399599781/in/photostream/

Couple http://www.flickr.com/photos/masochismtango/529444461/sizes/o/in/photostream/

Travel Girls

A couple of months ago, as I would reflect on my life and talk to my single friends about their lives, I started noticing a pattern. In general, my friends who had traveled overseas several times or had lived overseas for some prolonged amount of time were mostly chronic singles. These girls, like myself have collectively visited or lived in every continent of the world but had never had a long-term relationship.

This made me wonder if there was a connection between traveling and finding a mate. Although there is no way to prove the connection, I have a couple of theories about the relationship between traveling and its impact on a young women's dating life.

First, I think that some travel experiences have such a profound impact on a young women that it causes her to become dissatisfied with the status quo. For me, it was entering the National War room in London, climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower, and seeing the milky way from the beaches of Bora Bora that made me see my normal life as kind of boring. I wanted more, and it was like I had become addicted to traveling. Where could I go next? What other amazing things could I experience? My everyday life, not matter how great, was barely enough to match that feeling of seeing places that few people in the history of the world before our times have ever seen.

Second, the young women who loves to travel enjoys the idea that singleness provides freedom for travel plans. As as single girl, I can commit much of my life to planning, saving money, and preparing myself for the next great travel excursion. I perceive that it is only my single status that also allows me the freedom to travel as I please because I don't have to consult with anyone or combine my savings in order to go. If I have the time and the money, I can go wherever for as long as desired.

Third, the more a girl loves to travel and has the freedom to do it, the longer she spends traveling. Usually travel girls will start, for example, with few days in Mexico with friends, then a longer study-abroad trip or missions trip to Asia, then a few months of work-study in Australia, and finally, her bags are packed to move into her apartment in Germany for the next two years. As you become comfortable with the idea of being in another country, it becomes less scary to go live there so you want to stay longer and longer.

Fourth, the time that a young women spends traveling, leaves little time for matters of the heart. That time away is, particularly for Christian girls, marked with few dating experiences in that overseas country and, certainly, a complete lack of opportunities to date guys from back home.

Fifth, it may be the lack of men back home that makes going somewhere else and not having a man a lot less tragic. It is really not that big of a deal to me if I spend a summer in London and leave without a boyfriend because I wouldn't have had one if I was back home anyway. This becomes more true the older you get, I think. My 35, 40, 45+ year old single friends think less and less of picking up and going away because they all say "It's not like I have anything or anyone here holding me back!"

Sixth, being a chronic single causes women to have a certain strength and independence that makes them capable of handling the cultural shock of traveling and living overseas. At this point in my life, I have had to do a lot without the physical presence of others. Driving the other side of the road, dealing with haters of American tourists, eating new delicacies, using a uni-sex bathroom is no tougher overseas than waiting in lines or at doctor's office alone, going to a party alone, going to church alone, spending a Friday night alone, cooking for one or any of the other things that I do as a single woman.

Seventh, the excitement, unexpectedness, adventure, and learning experiences of traveling feel much like a romance. In a relationship, there is always some compromise but at the end you want to spend time together. I can feel the same way about my travels. I may not love everything about Paris, but I love to spend time there. I love the sounds, the sights, the tastes; it is a sensory experience that tugs at my heart strings just like having a crush on a guy. If I have not been given the opportunity to experience a romance, than this is a safe healthy alternative.

Finally, I think that traveling might actually be God's gift to single women. He blesses us with great experiences and we can even use our travels to serve Him. Although I am not a believer in forcing single people to do missions just because of our status, I think that missions trips that suit you gifts, volunteering in churches, or even just living as a Christian in another country can all be part of God's plans for this world.

Images retrieved May 15, 2011 through Creative Commons from:

Pyramids http://www.flickr.com/photos/89649959@N00/5275093636/

Eiffel Tower http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrazzo/3958413757/

Sydney Opera House http://www.flickr.com/photos/bdearth/4028846906/

Asian Temple http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahbaker/55448647/

Fjords http://www.flickr.com/photos/adactio/13149177/

Oh, the Humor!

The strangest thing about being a chronic single woman is that, as the years go by, despite some painful seasons, I tend to find more and more humor in the whole situation. There is something strangely comforting and even slightly hilarious about the amount of annoying experiences that I have with guys. I can almost rely on the fact that some crazy situation is awaiting me in the dating realm. If nothing else, this gives me a chuckle multiple times a day.

Accepting your dating reality can be the funniest thing you'll ever do,
 and it makes the single life a lot more palatable.

Here's a few of my typical funny moments. How many can you identify with?
The "Excuse Me"
You're at a some kind of co-ed Christian social gathering. A nice-looking, well-dressed guy starts walking toward you. You notice he is getting closer and closer, and then he is right in front of you. As your heart skips a beat he says "excuse me." You are speechless. "Excuse me," he repeats as he gestures over your shoulder. You realize, he wants you to step aside so that he can get to his girlfriend who is standing behind you.

The "Yeah, Hi, Anyway"
You are in a conversation with your girlfriends. Included in the group is your "she always gets attention from guys" friend. As you talk, a guy walks up. He knows your friend. As they talk you can clearly tell that he is very interested in your friend. She pauses the conversation and says, this is my friend _____" as she gestures for you to approach. Regardless of how enthusiastic she is for you to meet him, he is a lot less impressed. "Yeah, hi" he says as he barely makes eye contact with you, turns his body back toward your friend and says "yeah, so anyway.." and continues his conversation without you.

The "Why Even Bother Asking Me Out"
It's just what you have been waiting for: a guy asking you out on a date. This same guy, though, has been known for asking out many of the girls in you Christian social circle. Your friends have gone to fancy restaurants, taken excursions to the beach, shared dancing lessons and a night of salsa but, when it comes to you, he says "You wanna go to the 75 cent movie?" Yikes, are you that unimportant compared to the other girls that he will ask you to the 75 cent movie? Why does he have to save money when it's you? Why even bother asking you out?

The Bait and Switch (Online Dating Style)
You have been communicating with a guy on a Christian Internet dating site. Bait: He seems appealing and you have shared a few good messages back and forth. You decide to meet and, based on what he has shared with you, you will meet a funny, average looking, average height, fun-loving, good conversationalist. You arrive at your planned meeting spot and you can't wait to meet this guy. Switch: After about ten different guys that you hope is the one you are going to meet pass you by, here comes the one: outrageously short, balding, Hawaiian shirt, pants up to his nipples, with a weird hat. You tell yourself it can't be that bad and that maybe you should not judge him by his physical appearance. You sit together and begin to talk, you realize he only says "yes,""no," or laughs awkwardly unless his is talking about Fox News, The Green Lantern or how the super moon is causing a pull on the tides.

Do you have any funny instances you would like to share? Let me know with your comments below, and let's help each other enjoy the humor of it all!

Image retrieved May 14, 2001 through Creative Commons, Inc. from http://www.flickr.com/photos/sidewalk_flying/4813749113/

Welcome to Earth Moment - Lunch with a Friend

Today's Meal: A bowl of conviction with a side of grace

No matter how many times I think I have gotten content with my singleness there is always that "welcome to earth" moment that socks me in the stomach and pulls me back into the realm of discontent. Recently, it was an a lunch and conversation date with a close girlfriend of mine that made all kinds of thoughts and feelings resurface.

Let me set the scene...
Characters:
*My Friend (adventurous, fun-loving, spicy, cute accent, always out and about, not at all a home body, attractive, long, flowing hair, light eyes, curvy yet fit,  etc.)
*Me (still single!!!!!)
Setting:
*Weekend afternoon at a popular quick-service restaurant
Theme:
*A new but close friend and I get together to share a lunch after a few weeks on not having seen each other.
Conflict:
*Women vs self
Plot:
*Introduction: My friend and I meet at a restaurant and begin to share the typical girl's date conversation, discussing what's new, what's old, what's happy, what's sad, and so forth.
*Rising Action: My friend begins discussing her great relationship with her boyfriend: the weeks of fun outings dates together, the great memories and happy moments, the dinners with the parents and more. I start to let the evil voices in my head tell me, "you not good enough to have this" "you'll never be like her" "no one will ever like you like her."
*Climax: Our time together comes toward an end, I get so upset that I start to talk about how much I hate men and know that I will always be alone.
*Denouement: I hug my friend goodbye but knowing that what was a nice time together is left on a negative note.

So what is there to learn from my bad behavior?
1. I have to learn that I must accept that I cannot be envious of those who have the things that I want for my life. That is covetouness and more important, it makes me a crappy friend.
2. I have to stop allowing the sting of my single status be the catalyst for whining, complaining, or unkindness.
3. I have to accept that I am human. Until I lose this flesh, I will always experience things that remind me of the fact that, whether or not my single status changes, a relationship is something I would really like in my life. It is okay to be sad about not having one, but that is not where the story should end.

That's the lesson: so many people want things that they can't have and are always around people who have those things. That's life. What is worse, to be reminded of being single or to be reminded of not being able to walk or not having any family or being homeless? Still, the person who can't walk, who has no family, or is homeless is not a bad person because they sometimes feel upset when they see people walking with ease, having a Thanksgiving family dinner, or parking their car into their two-car garage. If the many people that I know with truly difficult lives are able to be positive and supportive of their friends happiness, why then not me?

I learned a little today.

Image retrieved May 14, 2001 through Creative Commons, Inc. from 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/15132846@N00/5632910972/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Another "Welcome to Earth" Moment

Today I had a punch to the gut, welcome to earth moment when I realized: my job has the potential to make me the controlling, OCD, psycho that guys never want to be around.

Being in education is sometimes so stressful, always having to keep track of what goes on at work and then bring it home at the end of the day, its like having two of everything. There is my home and my work home, my family and my work family, there are my kids (for now, my dog) and my work kids, my housework and my classwork. It is insane!

It's like I can never do anything right at work. If it's not that I am not hearing the whining and complaining and laziness and disrespect of my students, its hearing about some weird new law that is made to increase my work load, lower my pay, and highlight everything I am supposedly doing wrong. Then, on my own time, I can't help but be hyper-sensitive and with a very low tolerance for anything that may frazzle my nerves even remotely. Or, if I am not is a bad mood, I am usually way too tired or I have too much on my to-do list to go out?

Is it possible that my job is making me anti-social and emotionally unattractive to men? If so, how do I find balance when it is so difficult not to take my work mentally home with me because my work has to come home with me? How do I not let life under the microscope at work translate to damaged self-esteem in my everyday life? Do I always have to wait for summer vacation to date and go out as a stress free, normal woman?

Image retrieved on May 7, 2011 through Creative Commons, Inc. from http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilerin/3432443535/

Today's "Welcome to Earth" Moment - Dating Christian Men

Today I thought a little bit about a question that I have been struggling with for the past few weeks. On the heels of what was yet another negative dating experience with a so-called Christian man, I wonder how different things would be if I were dating non-Christian men.

There are some obvious and common differences. First, non-Christian men do not value or hold a large place in their heart for the honor of God, some don't even believe in Him. Because of that, as a generalization, non-Christian men are prone to care less about the treasure of God-honoring sexuality and probably have a bunch of other habits and characters traits that do not align with scripture.

Still, having not become a protestant Christian until late in my teenage years, I have known many non-Christian guys. These were my best friends and have provided me with some of my best memories and experiences I have ever had with males. These were guys who respected and appreciated me for who I was even though I was considered a "goody-goody" because I believed, even before I was Christian, in abstinence and other things that would have been considered prudish. And these were smart, kind, fun, mature, balanced, and even respectful guys.

You have to trust me on this, most of the negative experiences I have had with men, have been with Christian men. Even from the days of high school, the arrogance, selfishness, disrespect aimed at me came from the Christian male perspective. How could it be that the girl who was the subject of many guys teenage crushes and who everyone loved to be around was not good enough for the Christian guys?

Now, between work and other secular social situations, I have no trouble finding guys of several ages and races and types who are interested me. The problem: they are all non-Christians. At church and all of the Christian events it seems to be that my height, my race, my personality, my hobbies, my preferences, my way of dressing and more are all a problem. Why isn't it a problem for the non-Christian guys?

People might say the thing that my mother loves to say anytime I bring up non-Christian guys. The idea is that the non-Christian guys are willing to accept anything because they just want to have sex. Then I think you could say that the opposite true: Christian men are not willing to accept anything because they are supposedly abstaining from sex (that is sexual intercourse because, if you ask, most of these men use other methods for fulfilling their sexual desires) and want to find the "right woman."

My thought is, why are Christian guys so picky? Are they truly the very best of the best as potential mates simply because they identify themselves as believers? What is better, a man who calls himself Christian and attends church but is arrogant, close-minded, selfish in the name of the Lord or a man who maybe does not know the Lord but lives unknowingly well according to the scriptures? How far should I be openminded when it comes to exploring the idea dating non-Christian men?

It's My Fault I'm Single

"You don't wanna to be in love, you wanna be in love in the movies!"

This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite films Sleepless in Seattle. This line has always been so funny to me because it gets to the core of what I struggle with in my singleness. There is this part of my that wants so bad to be in a relationship, but I can't help but want it my way. You would think of years of being left behind by friends getting married and having children and having to find new friends every year as my newlywed friends move into their next life stage would be enough for me to get serious about finding someone ASAP. Instead I find myself having some excuse why the guys around are good enough. It's like I am waiting for some movie-perfect situation to tell me that a certain guy is "right" for me to be with for the rest of my life.

Between me and my friends, I heard either heard or thought of a million explanations of the single guys around the church or among my Christian friends. Comments like..

"I am looking for a guy who is ______ and has ______ with a ______ and likes to ______."


"I want my husband to be someone I am attracted to."


"I love guys from ______ because of their accents!"


"I don't want to use an Internet dating service because I don't want to have to tell people I met my husband on the Internet."


"I love guys with ______ color hair and ______ eyes."


"I wish that I could just meet a guy who looks like ______ (fill in the blank with that guy you lust after), he is SO hot."


"He is such a cute guy but I wish that he could just have the personality of ___________ then he would be perfect."


OR


"He is such a sweet guy but I wish the he had the looks of __________."

All of these are completely unfair ways of seeing the guys around us. Let's all be honest with ourselves,  nearly every Christian single woman has at some point had at least one guy in their life that could have been their husband today. The God-honoring guy who was extremely socially awkward and had no sense of personal space in conversation. The sweet, caring guy man of strong Faith who was grossly overweight and smelled funny. The respectful, gentleman who lived Christ's love daily who didn't make your heart skip a beat because he was very boring and had a comb over. These are all thoughts that, honestly, have kept us from marrying.

Now is the point where I hear everyone saying, "God doesn't say that we should just marry anyone. We have to wait for when it is right and if we are open to following God's will, he will provide the one." That is silly, in my opinion, because I think many Christian girl's just say this because we feel a little guilty for saying we believe that we deserve better than just the average guy. We think we deserve what we think we deserve.

Our biggest fear when entering a gathering
for the local church singles ministry. 

I am not one who believes the "forget Mr. Right and get Mr. Right now" kind of person, but my point is that we need to own up to some of our own disappointment. If you really wanted to be married you could be, but you are not because you have made some decision not to accept what was around you. What would happen if you married Mr. Overweight, Mr. Boring, or Mr. Socially Awkward by changing your perspective? What if these men signified something different to you?

A dear friend of mine in the matter of a few months went from single to happily married to a man that everyone, including she, would have said was not highly attractive physically but exemplified a true Christian man. For my friend, instant marriage wasn't the goal, and having a perfect man wasn't the goal, instead, peace, companionship, longevity, compromise, support, and honoring God were the goals. Her wedding was beautiful and inspirational, one of the few that I will always remember. Today, she is in a great relationship and her "after the wedding" marriage is as good, or better, than any of the girls I know who married for superficial reasons. That's being in love.

Had she married for superficial reasons, her situation might have entailed an obsession over wedding plans and Facebook updates of pictures of her and her good looking mate, stories of her mate's high paying job, fantasies of decorating of her new home after the wedding, showing the engagement ring and sharing the engagement story over and over. Her wedding would have been rather commonplace and her "after the wedding" life would have been one of those full of complaints of unexpected compromises and difficulties with learning to live together. That's being in love in the movies.

Back to the title of this post "It's My Fault I'm Single." This is not condemnation but instead maybe some inspiration. Whether you are one who believes that God does all the work of providing you a mate or that you have to do some work by going out their to search for that mate, you can accept that you do have some responsibility in the situation. That's to say, you can rely on the fact that there is one certainty in your time as a single women: there will always be guys that you won't accept and many guys that won't accept you. You cannot and should not try to control the ones who won't accept you but you can make informed and prayer-driven decisions about the ones you accept as mates.

Like much of the Christian life, it is a question of balance. To find the balance in the whole thing, here are some girls I know that you can learn from:

*Don't be the girl who needs a man so bad that she'll accept any kind of man just to have one. If a potential mate does not live out a life that is God-honoring and in accordance with the scriptures (and is unrepentant), you shouldn't accept him.

*Don't be the girl who is too concerned with the superficial. Cute, hot, funny, outgoing, social, athletic, attractive, normal, acceptable, nerdy, awkward, and boring are all relative and fleeting.

*Don't be the girl who misses out on a good mate because he wasn't the story in her head. The perfect man who is waiting for you in an online dating service is not worth a life alone waiting for the same guy to find you in a way that makes for a more appealing story.

*Don't be the girl who is waiting for the one. The is no strong evidence that God is that serious about us finding a one certain person. You could be in a relationship with Donald Trump if he wanted you, it just would take a lot of work on both of your parts. That's to say, it's about timing, compromise, selflessness, desire, perseverance, and motivation among other virtues. It takes more of these virtues for some relationships that others so you ultimately have to make the decision of what you are willing to put into that relationship.

Open up your eyes a little to really see the men around you. Loosen up your hands a little to keep them open for the guys who want to grasp it. Free your mind a little to accept things as they are and not how you think they should be.

...Hold the Truth in high regard, and live It as you search for love.

Image retrieved on May 7, 2011 through Creative Commons, Inc. from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rharrison/2190135304/

The Temptation to Text

You live in a world of highly advanced telecommunication, and wih the benefit of more knowledge and power at your fingertips, unfortunately, this means that there are even more ways to stumble as a single Christian woman. The big offenders are Facebook, email, chats, but most of all is cell phone texting! You know what I mean. It's that burning temptation to keep in touch with the men in your life through some form of telecommunication and here's the question...

Why can't we seem to avoid the temptation to "keep in touch" with the guy who currently holds our interest?

This is you on the days your crush texts you.

This is you on the other days.

An Example from My Life:
So I meet this guy. He's funny and seems to be pretty nice but from the day that I meet him, my instincts keep screaming that this guy has to be too good to be true. Despite his involvement with church groups and helping the homeless, it is never clear that his relationship with God is very solid. Nonetheless, I "go out" with this guy; hanging out at coffee shops and even having him over to my home for a gathering with friends.


All the while we exchange texts multiple times daily. The day starts with my initial text, he responds, I respond, he responds, I respond, he responds....you get the picture. Then I would tell myself, "I shouldn't initiate this, if he likes me, he'll text ME." So the waiting game begins, I check my phone, no text, again, no text. Then a text from him! I respond, he responds, I respond, he responds...rinse and repeat.


Cut to four weeks later. The fallout. He turns out to be a... not good person let's say. More than any of my foreseen regrets,  I feel like a complete fool for having wasted so much time and energy spending my emotional well-being and energy on texting this guy.


An Example from Another Single Girl's Life:
So this girl I know meets this guy, at a church event, and they hit it off. He directly, but appropriately flirts with her, and has shown serious interest. His is a fun and interesting guy, and is actually a solid Christian. The problem is that it is not clear whether he interested in her as a friend or as a girlfriend.


They start "getting together" to go to restaurants and coffee shops and even exchange phone calls. All the while is the undertone of daily texting: she texts, he responds, she texts, he responds, she texts, he responds. Then soon, HE texts, she responds...now she is convinced that this is a sign that they are meant for each other.


Then one day, he brings up the "I just wanted you to know that I am seeing somebody" conversation. My friend is devastated and, most of all, upset with allowing herself to get so attached to this guy through texting.

When did we start judging the stability of our dating relationships based on the number of texts that we send and receive? If you are a girl who has ever said "he texts me at least two or three times a day" during a discussion with your female friends about that new guy in your life, than you are guilty. It's not like there is anything wrong with texting or Facebook or any other form of communication. It's just that we emotionally driven females have created yet another venue for emotional trauma. Maybe trauma is a little bit overdramatic as a term but that is surely how we feel after a texting relationship comes to an end: traumatized.

I truly believe that we as women tend to find every way to perceive that there is more to a relationship than is actually there, and texting only makes that worse. We compose a message, press send, and once that message goes out into the air we begin to obsess over it. "Did I say that right?" "Why didn't he respond right away this time?" "What if he doesn't respond?" "Should I go to bed or wait until he texts just in case he asks me to go out?" "Maybe he texted me but my phone isn't receiving the messages." "Maybe he lost his phone." And so on.

Texting also opens us up to share a part of ourselves that we might not have been willing to share otherwise. We tend to be a little more flirtatious and use and accept from him a little more innuendo in texts than we would otherwise accept. This is especially difficult for us virgins (yes there are still some of us out there) who can often find ourselves intrigued by the borderline passionate messages that we receive, or read-into what we have received, from a guy that holds our interest. A "hi cutie" message from our latest crush can hold a lot a weight to a single woman in those vulnerable nighttime hours.

Sadly, texting with a crush, especially for chronic single girls (those who have never, or not in a long time, had a serious relationship) also gives the appearance of being what we as women would want from a real relationship. In a way, texting provides the excitement of communication with someone of the opposite sex. It makes us feel sort of special and important, like a girlfriend might feel. It replicates a sense of companionship and connection, yet none of this is really real when thumbed through a key pad of a cell phone.

It's a very similar effect when we use Facebook to "keep in touch" with our crush. The desire and perceived need to "Like" "Poke" "Comment" "Send Message" etc. is no different than texting our crush. The perceived need to meet in certain website's chat tool and "chat" for hours is no different either. All of this gives us a false sense of interrconnection with a person that we, if we be honest with ourselves, really don't know that well.

Furthermore, because of the way they communicate, many guys are willing to have texting relationships because it meets some of their own needs and masculine traits. I am not saying all men are players but there is a certain trait about them that makes many of them enjoy the ability to communicate with multiple women at once, even if it is just as friends. Texting makes that easier for them and it doesn't hold as much meaning for them as it does for us. As a friend recently said to me, we as women perceive communication as connectedness. One long conversation with a man can have a deep meaning to us. Whereas for them, it could be completely forgettable.

Listen, I am not bashing texting, Facebook, chat, or the girls who use them. Sure there are always the "dreams really do come true" stories of girls whose variety of communication formats have turned into full blown reality relationships but I can't help but believe those are the minority of cases. Lasting relationships with men are most successful when they are fostered in person, and a guy who wants to keep your in telecommunication is probably not overwhelmingly interested in you. Text all you want, but remember that it all means nothing unless he calls you his girlfriend. It's not official 'til it's official and 2,000 texts a day wouldn't be enough to prove otherwise.

Don't worry. I won't leave you there cold and alone and without your precious texting thumbs tapping away feverishly at your cell phone. Here are some tips for when you feel like you can't help yourself put down the phone or put away the computer:

1. Take a cold shower. Okay, not really, but at least put down your phone and find something to do. When I feel tempted to text my crush it always helps to find something to do to occupy my time that keeps me from obsessing over how he feels toward me. A favorite TV show, an evening walk, a few songs on the ipod, something, anything that keeps you away from the phone is a great way to allow you to place your thoughts elsewhere.

2. Phone a friend. If you have to keep the phone nearby and can't bear not to text your crush, place a phone call instead to a "safe" friend to whom you can LISTEN or talk to about anything but this guy. This is a great and selfless way to avoid obsessing.

3. Delete, Delete, Delete. If I find myself reading and re-reading old texts between me and my crush or showing them to my friends for their analysis, then it's time for the texts to go to the mobile trash bin. That way, there is no chance of obsessing because there's nothing there.

4. Don't give it all away. Whatever you do, do not text sexy, which is the Christian girl version of sexting. We would probably never text a pic of our naked booty and send it, still we might be tempted to send a picture of us looking "super cute" for his approval. We might be tempted to send a "you are such a hottie" text in the hopes that we might win him over with our flirtatious energy. That is dangerous ground that, in addition to the spiritual ramifications, will leave you feeling like an idiot when you realize that he wasn't that interested in you or shows up at church with his girlfriend. Which leads me to...

5. Remember that anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. Maybe that's taking it a little bit far but, in the very least, once you send a message it can endlessly be retrieved given today's technology. In a more realistic sense, there is always that possibility that he is the kind of guy that will keep your texts and read them to others after things don't work out. I have known quite a few immature guys like that. When sending a text, think about it first. If you would be hurt or embarrassed by someone else reading what you wrote in your text, don't send it.

6. Pray. In the words of the great MC Hammer "you need to pray just to make it through the day." This is especially true when you are hooked on texting your crush. The only true texting temptation buster is a  "help me, Lord" prayer when your thumb is on the "send" button.

I hope that my perspective has offered you, in the least, a sounding board for your thoughts and opinions or has given you a chance to think through this issue that you may or may not be facing in your own lives. But most importantly...

...please hold the Truth in high regard, and live It as you search for love.

Images : Cartwheel retrieved through Creative Commons May 6, 2011 from http://www.flickr.com/photos/tanya_little/4871311082/

Crying Baby retrieved through Creative Commons 

May 6, 2011 from http://www.flickr.com/photos/iskir/4433696753/